I know I haven’t told you but I miss you.
I’ve been holding back memories and sucking down sadness and trying not to flinch when I look up on my bare walls and your picture is grinning back at me, or when your voice comes over my Ipod. I have been filling my days with photos and searches and my nights with Diet Cokes filling my mind with checklists and future plans. Anything to fill the void that I finally felt as I drove down the highway alone yesterday. The sun was streaming through my open windows and the old man in the SUV next to me shields his eyes and something in me snaps while Bright Eyes sings the second chorus of your favorite song. Something in me aches to hear you singing next to me. Filling up my car with your presence and your life and your 17 year old worries and fears and sweet, sweet sarcasm. In that moment, I become aware that the seat next to me is empty. Littered with gum wrappers and empty shopping bags and broken aviators.
Seeing that seat shattered me.
You should be there. You should be here. I need you and miss you and I don’t know how to tell you without scaring you away or making you even more upset with me, shes not good for you and shes tearing us apart but you wont have it. I want to hold you and cry. and cry. and cry on your shoulder. I am older and darker and louder. I am cruder and ruder and uncensored to a fault. I am everything you despise and everything you love, the perfect compliment to your soft spoken self. I am the big sister who wanted to be your best friend. who wanted to be your hero. who wanted to be a part of your world so desperately she somehow pushed you away. I wont sit by and watch one person ruin so much. I spent last night sleeping in your bed, the bed we used to lie in on summer nights and talk about the world and our family and our imperfections and insecurities. The bed that has heard a million secrets. I spend nights here because I don’t feel so alone. The ghost of our laughter sings me to sleep and haunts me when I wake and my feet are cold and your not there. Your music and your bold voice wasnt echoing in this house last night. Your sweet laugh wasnt sitting across from us at the dinner table, and i didnt have to whisper no bacon in the ceasar salad to Dad. We lost the person you were...... No one has ever stopped caring, you just pushed us all away.
I can’t turn this sadness into poetry because it hurts too much. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I’m sorry if I hurt you, if I ever somehow made you believe you were less than beautiful. Less than extraordinary. Less that perfect and unique and capable of setting the world on fire with all your brilliance. You and your blue eyes and your squishy nose. I want to hold you in my arms and beg you to forgive me. I want to hold your hand and walk you through high school because when your 17 your universe explodes and nothing is ever the same again. I want to shield you from a broken heart, shop for your prom tux. I want to be the one you come to when your tired of being perfect, I want to rock you back and forth until you realize that even when you’re a mess, you are wonderful and loved and you need to stop putting your life on hold for one person.
And I won’t push you, and I won’t beg you, but when you need me darling
I’ll be here.
Waiting.
I’ve been holding back memories and sucking down sadness and trying not to flinch when I look up on my bare walls and your picture is grinning back at me, or when your voice comes over my Ipod. I have been filling my days with photos and searches and my nights with Diet Cokes filling my mind with checklists and future plans. Anything to fill the void that I finally felt as I drove down the highway alone yesterday. The sun was streaming through my open windows and the old man in the SUV next to me shields his eyes and something in me snaps while Bright Eyes sings the second chorus of your favorite song. Something in me aches to hear you singing next to me. Filling up my car with your presence and your life and your 17 year old worries and fears and sweet, sweet sarcasm. In that moment, I become aware that the seat next to me is empty. Littered with gum wrappers and empty shopping bags and broken aviators.
Seeing that seat shattered me.
You should be there. You should be here. I need you and miss you and I don’t know how to tell you without scaring you away or making you even more upset with me, shes not good for you and shes tearing us apart but you wont have it. I want to hold you and cry. and cry. and cry on your shoulder. I am older and darker and louder. I am cruder and ruder and uncensored to a fault. I am everything you despise and everything you love, the perfect compliment to your soft spoken self. I am the big sister who wanted to be your best friend. who wanted to be your hero. who wanted to be a part of your world so desperately she somehow pushed you away. I wont sit by and watch one person ruin so much. I spent last night sleeping in your bed, the bed we used to lie in on summer nights and talk about the world and our family and our imperfections and insecurities. The bed that has heard a million secrets. I spend nights here because I don’t feel so alone. The ghost of our laughter sings me to sleep and haunts me when I wake and my feet are cold and your not there. Your music and your bold voice wasnt echoing in this house last night. Your sweet laugh wasnt sitting across from us at the dinner table, and i didnt have to whisper no bacon in the ceasar salad to Dad. We lost the person you were...... No one has ever stopped caring, you just pushed us all away.
I can’t turn this sadness into poetry because it hurts too much. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I’m sorry if I hurt you, if I ever somehow made you believe you were less than beautiful. Less than extraordinary. Less that perfect and unique and capable of setting the world on fire with all your brilliance. You and your blue eyes and your squishy nose. I want to hold you in my arms and beg you to forgive me. I want to hold your hand and walk you through high school because when your 17 your universe explodes and nothing is ever the same again. I want to shield you from a broken heart, shop for your prom tux. I want to be the one you come to when your tired of being perfect, I want to rock you back and forth until you realize that even when you’re a mess, you are wonderful and loved and you need to stop putting your life on hold for one person.
And I won’t push you, and I won’t beg you, but when you need me darling
I’ll be here.
Waiting.
