we are here to love

Today started out with fat free smoothies and pudding cups on the couch. I laid back and watched the style network. I waited for you to wake up stretch, and get your hopefully not hung over butt out of bed as I licked low cal pudding off my fingers and wiggled my toes in my fuzzy No-Slip red socks I reminded myself to breathe, to relax, to forget about whatever it was that was causing all this fuss in our lives. I found you lying in our unmade bed with your hair a mess, I tickled your toes and saw your bright blue eyes open and an immediate smile come across your face. It's all it took to make me thinking all of these crazy ass, unreasonable thoughts.

We bickered and kissed in the parking lot of the over crowded, over air conditioned mall and soon fell back into this easy routine of loving eachother that feels like it started years ago...
but then i realised that it did.

Lately, you've been telling me your feeling neglected. I apolagized because you were right. I'm sorry i've been hiding in all of my journals, and blogs, and movies. I think I forgot how magical and uncomplicated our love could be. I'm sorry I ever let that romantic simplicity slip away.

you and your penis have it easy

"Today I am bloated and cranky and groggy and awful. My bad vibes are pulsing and waving and infecting everyone around me so it’s safer to sit in this little room with the incense burning and pound away into my laptop- i don’t want to spread this kind of miserable Monday virus around. You will be walking in my bedrom door soon, in your loud ass car with your smart ass comments i usually adore but I am dreading today. I could snap at any minute because I am insecure and exhausted and just praying for someone to drench in all this menstrual depression. One wrong move and it could be you and I don’t want to spend all next week apologizing for the thoughtless words my period brought me.

And oh, you are the lucky one. The broad chested love of mine who will never know the agony of changing a tampon or buckling over while singing too loud because your cramps hurt too bad to hit the high notes. You will never know the overwhelming self doubt you feel when you have to suck in to fit into your favorite jeans because your stomach is busting with water and chocolate bars from your last emotional breakdown. No, you can sit back and laugh at me when I cry. You can call me whiney when I need you to offer to hold me more than anything in the world. Because that’s all I need right now. Compassion, understanding, and hell, this may be stretching it, but maybe even a little bit of sympathy. Because honey, you and your penis,

HAVE IT EASY.

You should be praising me for the hell that I skip through. I do not fall off the face of the planet when that special time of the month decides to grace me with its presence. I wake up, stretch and get everything ready first thing in the morning. I eat chicken fajitas on tuesday nights. I make pictures and journals and do yoga. I live my life. I try to spread love.

And I do all while on this hell of a trip, called my period.Now tell me have YOU ever done that?I didn’t think so. So before you start to rag on me for my slight bad moodiness, look between your legs honey, and thank God you don’t have a uterus."

.....

I’ve been trying to find my beauty again. I don’t know when I lost it but somewhere along the line it faded away and a whole winter full of insecurity took it’s place. There was a time when I could lie in your arms and look straight into those bright blue eyes. There was a time when I wanted you to turn your head to look at me at red lights because I felt beautiful, and confident, and I was certain that my skin was glowing in all that darkness. There was a time when I didn’t mind you staring at that girl in Transformers and drooling onto your flannel pillows because I knew when the movie was over you would be staring at me
and that was enough.
And now I hide my face behind a thick layer of blonde bangs, I look away when you look at me and the thing is,
I’m tired of tearing myself apart.
I’m tired of staring in the mirror and picking out flaws, then trying so hard to cover them up with overpriced cosmetics and tea tree oil and new clothes and too much perfume. I’m tired of going through old pictures of myself and wondering what went wrong. Where did that skin, that smile go?
And now, now i know. It’s not my beauty I lost- it was my confidence. I started doubting the greeness of my eyes, the joyfulness of my laugh, the feminine curve of my hips. I started comparing myself to Hollywood glam goddesses on posters.I started measuring myself not by who I was, but by the clarity of my skin or the size of my jeans and on days when I didn’t feel beautiful enough to face the world I hid. And wrote, and sulked. On those days I wore sweatpants and fuzzy striped socks and your baggy tee shirts and avoided the boy who loves me most because I was no Megan Fox. I was not his Transformers hottie with the full lips and a gorgeous tan.
And now I don’t want to be. This is my body. The body with the fingers that write in journals and draw designs on your back after you’ve fallen asleep. This is my face. The face with the eyes that see so many small miracles every day. The face with the lips you have kissed a thousand times, that have sung a thousand songs, that have yet to speak a million words. This is me in all my wholeness. I am not just my body. I am not just my face. I am not my imperfections unless I decide to measure my worth by them. I am love. And art. And creativity. I am a friend. And a daughter. And a sister. And a lover. If i am all these beautiful things, how could I ever look in the mirror and tell myself I’m not good enough?

saved

Hand in hand the two of us walked around a crowded, akward smelling store looking for camping supplies. My mind is somewhere else, but my heart is with you. As our fingers play games with eachother, you kiss me and i forgot whatever I was thinking about before, because it's not important. After shopping I was starving and tired and the soles of my flip flops were worn and dirty. You drove me to the greek restaurant where we had our first date.

Two heartbroken teens trying to dissapear in another kind of love than what broke us before. I counted your freckles as I picked the chicken off my tangy salad, and we re-opened our hearts to a stranger.
Thank god we did. I think we may have saved eachother...
Today the restaurant was empty, the same greek mandolin was playing, and we were seated at the same table we sat at more than 3 years ago. We looked at eachother in silence as you threw all your sour black olives on my plate and we laughed.
You might be my knight in shining armor, but I could never see you in tights.

just the begining...

My once long blonde hair has been traded for an even blonder choppy bob. It shines in the sun of this little city and whips my eyes when we cruise down the street with the windows down and your roof taken off. Its finally summer again and you say my eyes look green instead of dull. We drove around in your car and pretended we had a destination. we didn’t. we were driving to nowhere and i know it sounds dumb but when you turned dave matthews on and put the windows down and rubbed your thumb over my hand,
i felt infinite.

New memories will come from this summer, just like the last, and the ones before. Bigger memories though, our adventure is just begining, heading out to the real world by ourselves.
But the thing is,
We won't be by ourselves. We will have eachother, in a bigger city, a bigger room, a bigger building... a bigger life.
It will bring me hope in all of these things that you are promising me. It will bring me critical thinking and a dream filled journal that shows what fill my nights, and what makes me analyze my days. You'll be there though, hopefully to keep me grounded, to reassure me every day, to show me all of these exciting things in all of these crazy,busy,overwhelming situations. Everyday I look into those ocean blue eyes of yours and its all it ever takes to bring me back down to earth.

Here's for a begining of adventures, of love, of peace of mind.
It will be a sunny summer of loving you, and sleeping in and turning all of these plans into reality.