Joyful..

The holidays are truly magical. Everyone puts aside everything and comes together. Hearts open wide and all judgements vanish. I feel brand new lately.

I Reconnected with someone important in my life, the one person who has been closest to a best friend, that I have had there for me through everything.... That truly understands. Nothing happened life got the best of us and we grew apart for a while. I've missed her beautiful face and inspirational talks though.

So much inspiration has entered my life since the last time I posted. I have become a mentor for a few... Someone they inspire too and follow- what an incredible feeling. I feel as though I'm on the exact path I want to be on for my life, I'm moving fast and growing. I'm learning that those who pull apart along the way cannot be saved, and those who stay are truly worth everything.

So those who know me best; my rock, my secret lost but found beautiful best friend, my little one who still needs saved, my elder laughing goddess and stubborn headed man, and my open hearted advice seeker girl.
I love you, and thank you.

<3

Where did we get the notion that pure bliss is something that we don’t already have?

I have been put into so many incredibly difficult situations and it was enough to inspire these fingers to write again, to want to stain my universe with poetry because joy and art and understanding are swirling all around me. Because my eyes haven’t been red from crying for days and considering the windy road it took for me to find myself again that’s saying something.. I've had to make grown up decisions and not look back, I need to do what is right for me, my puppy, my love, my family. I had to make a decision last night that a big sister never wants to make, being two hours away and helpless. What you did was selfish and unexplainable, but I could never hate you for it. I'm not ready to talk, i'm not ready to come to your rescue yet. But you know I will, you know you are the only person that I could only truely love this way. I want you to grow up into a phenominal man, I want you to find someone faithful and hold on, I want so many things for you....
I want so many things for myself, but im learning how to acheive my big dreams, how to become truely happy with everything around you. I have shown myself more than I thought I would.

And you, my blue eyed- brunette boy. The one whom over 5 years has shown me how to fall more and more in love, the one who I tell my secrets too when we are lying on our bright flower patterned comforter. We go through our bad days together and we drive, you and I. Listened to Guster and Matthew Good, and right when I thought the tears were about to come he turned on Taylor Swift and convinced me to sing as loud as I could. Never underestimate the monumental power of a good country song. As the chorus came to a close the traffic got thick and we could see flashy lights ahead. Broken glass and crumpled cars in the middle of the intersection. A heavy set fireman standing on top of his truck and all of a sudden life seemed too short. All of a sudden both of our hearts realized that even though they were struggling they were still beating. Still making the blood flow to our cheeks and the laughter spill from our bodies. Still letting us sing Taylor Swift on a bright afternoon and order salty Mcdonalds fries when we were hungry for sin. And in that moment I knew I was meant to drive down that road, see that wreck. So that I could see LIFE, so that I could remember that these daily tragedies are minor in the grand scheme of the beautiful adventure I am on, and though the hard times may be prominent now, when I open myself up to love, to the world, to the healing power of my goofy blue eyed love, and my green eyed puppy.

Never lose touch with yourself. Never stop creating, decorating, writing, singing, dreaming. Never let routines take away from your world <3

summer lovin'

Finally summer is dancing into our lives. Getting rid of burdens and wool blankets. Laying our eyes on old cars and old friends that bring back too many memories.

So much has changed. I had lost inspiration and creativity. I hid my real self behind this rountine following zombie, who seemed to care about nothing except getting through the day. This time of year relentlessly changes people. You told me the other day that my glow was back, the glow in my skin, in my eyes, in my crazy ever changing hair. You told me my spunk, and vitality is back... You told me that this is the girl you fell in-love with and that you missed her. I didn't know whether to break down and cry in your arms... Or smile because after all these years, I'm still beautiful in your eyes.

I chose to smile.

So much has changed in these past months. We are following our dreams, breaking out of this comfort we have felt for so long, spending long lazy days on the beach and sunny evenings running in the park. Our green eyed puppy has grown, and so have we. We took on new lifestyles together, but in a way completely apart.

Let's make this summer count, I know it will <3.

family < 3

This morning I woke up to snowy sunshine streaming through the tiny gap in my dark curtains. The kind of sunshine that bounces off the crystal white ground in Febuary and blinds you. Making you squint and wonder how pretty your green eyes must look in all that shimmery morning light. I woke up to a note on my kitchen counter telling me that you were running late. Telling me to get some good sleep. Telling me you loved me. A squiggly heart by your name. The handwriting I’ve known so well since 4 years ago.

This weekend brought so much magic and love to my birthday, our 1 bedroom apartment housing 5 people for the weekend, it wasnt the smallest quarters we have all spent together, but it sure was close. Looking into the eyes of my blue eyed brother cuddling Saturday morning in our twin bed. Sunday morning in the living room with my mama and muppet headed dog. Watching her sing and bob her head. She is a gorgeous goddess and her laughter fills up our apartment and makes it a home. Market mornings and my dad finally showing life and laughter in his eyes, he for sure is stubborn willed, but he will always be my daddy.

They will forever be my family <3.

At seven I met you for coffee at Starbucks across the street. You ate your messy blueberry muffin and laughed your loud laugh, the one that echos through any room and infects the ones around you with unknowing smiles. Talked on your cell phone while I pretended to read the business section and wished I had washed my hair. Brown braids to disguise the fact that I have been too busy to shower, tight brown sweatpants and a paisley orange tank. Mustard cashmere scarf but next to you I sense all my imperfections so I drink my coffee and avert my eyes. Promise to wash the orange and blue nailpolish off when I get home and tell you I want to learn to play the piano. Oh, there are so many things I’m dying to do. These days are slipping through my chipped nailpolish fingernails but now I’m ready to grab onto them. You’re ocean eyes are pretty but it’s your zest for life that’s got me checking my phone to see if you texted while on your first trip down that highway alone. It’s your passion and your drive.The little things. When your latte is gone you walk me to thecar and tickle me. Your scruffy beard grazing my face, sandpaper on my tan cheeks.

my own bohemia

This morning was an early one. With you running around and our green eyed puppy barking, my pink air nikes waiting at the front door were my escape. The wind in London was cold this morning at 7am with a temperature of -23C, clearly spring decided not to grace me with it's presense and to turn the other cheek for just a little while. but for now this was much better. The bright sun was beaming on the white snow and I knew in that moment today was one of those days. I came home to a quiet, empty house with your scribbles on a piece of paper, hearts drawn around my name I gushed the way I did 4 years ago when this big adventure with you started.

Today I was exploding with creativity, love, peace, inspired by the words of the woman whom has helped me grow up and shown me the way even living thousands of miles away. Something was missing in this little bohemia of ours. After several attempts and many many holes later I had covered an entire wall in shelves and paintings, I finished just as you walked in the door. The way you looked at me reminded me of the reason why I fell in-love with you. You found me beautiful even in my ripped old jeans and my hair tied up in my favourite flower clip, and covered in head to toe with dry wall dust. The glowing satisfaction that I had done this without you holding my hand drove you crazy with happiness.

Today, I found my creativity again. I had forgotten and gotten into a routine and life just got the best of me. I came out with an ipod full of the fray and kesha, I came out with relationships and responsibilites, and I came out a lucky lucky lucky lady to have the people that I do. But as amazing as it all is, I dont want this to be it. I want to go places, and see the beauty this world really has to offer,I want to document everything I do with journals and pictures.

As long as I keep growing, i'll be fine <3

ill be your jack kerouac.

The snow is melting in Ontario. All that white perfection was a winter illusion and now the faded green of dead January grass is peeking through, whispering promises of Spring and icicles drip on my brown hair. Yes, sweet spring dance into my life and blow me an adventure. I am growing weary of this bubble, tired of this routine. I am stronger every day and my heart is yearning for more.More life. More experiences. I am hungry for artists and musicians and tie dye tank tops. Chop sticks and rock n roll and glitter underneath my fingernails again. I am starving for the road, ready to pull a Jack Kerouac and drive away from the safe responsibilities I took on in an effort to stay put. To be comfortable. I’m weary of my comfort.

Never underestimate the power of a phone call to your mother. Kind words swimming through my tearstained blackberry. A lullaby laced with loving advice and unatainted truth. The big picture gets so hard to see inside this tiny reality TV show universe of mine. The cosmic importance of my being, the epic journey of LIFE that I am embarking on each and every day. The goods and bads and ups and downs, the pounding head mornings and dirty wasted nights. Even my mistakes are beautiful because in the end they will teach me how to mend the hearts I never meant to break, let go of the pretty girls that I could never save. In the end that Friday night will lead me down a path I have been resisting for far too long. A path where pain is promised but the reclaiming of my own heart is inevitable. A path where I learn to let GO, and learn how to be. Be strong. Be alone. Be scared. Be assertive. Be forgiving. Be myself again. I let my hurt seep into our relationship without ever even realizing it. You deserve more than that. You deserve so much more.


I’m ready to start over, make a splash, I’m desperate to be beautifully uncomfortable <3

detox.

this morning i scraped crystal snowflakes off our windshield with my finger nails and drove to this new places with you.with warm coffee mugs in our laps we started this new adventure, this new world. you make my winter beautiful and bearable.and you keep me sane when i break down, you know just not to say anything and hold me.

this apartment needed a cleanse, of all the bad vibes, enegery, and luck. im drinking green tea, and lighting zen candles, and sucking up bad energy with our over priced dyson. one step at a time im trying to detoxing our universe. hoping all of this will change, but i realise that nothing will change until WE do.

writing this blog will change things, will allow me to write it out and let it go. life isnt based around material things, its not based on how much money is in your bank account, or what car you drive. its based on who you crawl into bed with at the end of the day, or what green eyed puppy looks to you every morning, its based on the journey and your beliefs. at the end of the day its all that matters.

its about finding grace <3, ill find mine.